Wisdom equals more sorrow
Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases wisdom increases sorrow.
The start of 2019 finds me in a broken confused and fragile mental state. With many conflicting desires, ideas, and ways to go in life I am not sure where this year will take me.
Unraveling the past thoughts emotions and experiences has made this verse come to light personally.
Is the reason Ive become more unsure is because of wisdom? Being naive about many things in life can be blissful, simple and easier. When I think there are the black and white causes of every problem or these are the good people in life and these are the bad or these are the exact reason why pain and suffering happens. The problem is none of those things are that simple.
In purposefully choosing to live love and befriend the non-middle class of society it has brought much more sorrow than clarity.
I believe it is because I have been wrong more often than I am right. Many of the judgements thoughts and pre conceived notions are from my cultural ideals rather than absolute truth.
Questions like -are the poor more immoral? is being poor directly affected to addiction? am i just enabling people? how can we help them out of poverty? These were the original questions that I asked that now seem much more minimal than vital.
The questions changed to what values does the non middle class culture have that I want? How can I be a trusted friend rather than a symbol of money? Can I have relationships even though my life isnt full of the same problems? Can I value the opinion of someone that society doesnt deem as successful?
The tension of living fairly well off to spending most of my time with those who arent has led to much personal sorrow.
It has led to confusion, reevaluting values life choices and an inner struggle of loving comfort.
I dont know where the conflicted views will lead me but I do know that my heart, life and spirit is most full when I am in the midst of this culture.
I feel depressed and full of anxiety when I am trying to fit in please and strive toward the values of the middle class culture.
The internal conflict may eventually be solved but as a friend told me a few weeks ago life is all about living in tension.
For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases wisdom increases sorrow.
The start of 2019 finds me in a broken confused and fragile mental state. With many conflicting desires, ideas, and ways to go in life I am not sure where this year will take me.
Unraveling the past thoughts emotions and experiences has made this verse come to light personally.
Is the reason Ive become more unsure is because of wisdom? Being naive about many things in life can be blissful, simple and easier. When I think there are the black and white causes of every problem or these are the good people in life and these are the bad or these are the exact reason why pain and suffering happens. The problem is none of those things are that simple.
In purposefully choosing to live love and befriend the non-middle class of society it has brought much more sorrow than clarity.
I believe it is because I have been wrong more often than I am right. Many of the judgements thoughts and pre conceived notions are from my cultural ideals rather than absolute truth.
Questions like -are the poor more immoral? is being poor directly affected to addiction? am i just enabling people? how can we help them out of poverty? These were the original questions that I asked that now seem much more minimal than vital.
The questions changed to what values does the non middle class culture have that I want? How can I be a trusted friend rather than a symbol of money? Can I have relationships even though my life isnt full of the same problems? Can I value the opinion of someone that society doesnt deem as successful?
The tension of living fairly well off to spending most of my time with those who arent has led to much personal sorrow.
It has led to confusion, reevaluting values life choices and an inner struggle of loving comfort.
I dont know where the conflicted views will lead me but I do know that my heart, life and spirit is most full when I am in the midst of this culture.
I feel depressed and full of anxiety when I am trying to fit in please and strive toward the values of the middle class culture.
The internal conflict may eventually be solved but as a friend told me a few weeks ago life is all about living in tension.
Comments
Post a Comment